People start to say 'Congrats!' 'Selamat' 'Waaw hebat' and such a thing.
But they don't know.
I'm crying inside.
I'm dying inside.
For not being in the place I want.

I'm just a kid. A kid who is rarely asking for things.
When other kids want the newest trendy stuff, I keep myself in silence, trying to be thankful that I have this unfavorite phone.
When others were happy by being with boy/girl-friend, I locked the door and burried myself in books, was trying to get good grades.

I never ask many things.
I just ask few.
And it is so sad.
To reveal the truth that,
My few little wishes,
Can not become true.
Although,
I'm just asking this one.
The truth hurts me horribly.

Call me greedy,
but I'm not happy for this one.
Because you have no idea,
how sad it is,
to be disappointed
in this point.

I used to say 'thank God, it's friday!'
I used to smile all the way in Friday.
What a lovely Friday.

I cry.
I'm sad.
I'm done.
I'm over.
Now, it is a 'Oh God, it's Friday...'

Andaikan memang rasa ini salah, aku minta maaf.

Entah apa yang kurasakan.
Entah dari mana datangnya.
Entah sejak kapan mulainya.
Entah mengapa terjadi.
Entah bagaimana semua ini terjadi.

Entah baju apa yang kau gunakan hari itu.
Entah kacamata apa yang kau pakai hari itu.
Entah lagu apa yang kau nyanyikan saat itu.
Entah kata apa yang kau ucapkan waktu itu.
Entah mengapa, aku mulai suka.

Entah apakah memang lagu itu bagus.
Entah bagaimana caranya kuunduh lagu itu.
Entah berapa kali kuputar ulang lagu itu.
Entah seberapa sering kutersenyum karena itu.
Entah mengapa, aku memikirkanmu.

Entah apakah kau memang pintar.
Entah apakah kau memang bijak.
Entah apakah kau memang sederhana.
Entah apakah kau memang taat agama.
Entah mengapa, kau memang sempurna.

Entah ini khalayanku saja.
Entah kau memang melihatku.
Entah kau memperhatikanku.
Entah apapun alasannya.
Entah mengapa, aku suka itu.

Entah kau memang terlalu tinggi.
Entah aku yang terlalu rendah.
Entah kita tak bertemu.
Entah apakah kita tak sama.
Entah mengapa, aku tetap bertahan.

Entah kita tenggelam dalam rutinitas.
Entah aku terlalu sibuk.
Entah kau coba menghindar.
Entah apapun itu.
Entah mengapa, kita hilang.

Entah apa yang terjadi.
Entah apa yang kau lakukan.
Entah apa yang dia lakukan.
Entah apa yang kurasakan.
Entah mengapa, aku was-was.

Entah di mana itu mulai.
Entah kapan itu terjadi
Entah mengapa terjadi.
Entah bagaimana itu terjadi.
Entah mengapa, kau mendua.

Andaikan tak kubatasi diri.
Andaikan tak kututupi diri.
Andaikan kulepas belenggu ini.
Andaikan tak ucapkan kata itu.
Akankah kau milikku?

Andaikan kuturuti maumu.
Andaikan kuubah diri ini.
Andaikan kukubur semua mimpi.
Andaikan ku jadi dia.
Akankah kau padaku?

Andaikan rasa ini salah, aku minta maaf.
Andaikan ini tak benar, aku sungguh minta maaf.
Andaikan ini bukan yang kau ingin, aku minta maaf.
Andaikan ini hina, kan kukubur ini semua.
Namun, akankah kau memilihku?

2015 Bucket List!!!

Well, I can't resist it again. New spirit, new atmosphere, all the things brand new!
I join the game. The things listed below are some of my bucket list which will become true (aamiin).

1. Lulus UN dengan nilai memuaskan. Harus bisa being the best. Dengan nilai fisika yang unexpected. Insha Allah :)
2. Getting a chance to study abroad. Udah dari lama pengen banget.
3. Having a memorable moments dengan lebih care sama teman. I just realized that was the one I left behind all this time.
4. Jadi lebih disiplin. Getting out of my comfort zone!
5. Capturing every moments. No avoiding cameras!
6. Being a better daughter. Hearing all my mom' saying, doing all her good deeds.
7. Smiling even more often. Thinking positive in everytime, every condition.
8. Being more patient, swiping away the bad deeds.
9. No more hatred. Trying to say all the things in my head to make it clear.
10. Having a better time and money managing.
11. Drinking more water! Making myself better, clearing my mind. 2 L a day!
12. Being more detail. No more little thing left behind.
13. Hugging more often, and longer. You know, my friend told me hugging someone as a routine will increase the hormone of happiness, 'oksitosin' :)
14. Working out more!!! This is the thing I used to ignore, and now, I realized it is a big thing!
15. Pray even more than ever! God should know me well, and so should I!
16. Having friends more. No more enemies and saying S.H.M.I.L.Y. to someone (or some people) who worth it :)
17. Going through a wonderful birthday because this year is the seventeen one! Introspecting more, and being thankful more of this great-wonderful-challenging-beautiful life :)

"Hidup itu soal berhitung. Orang yang sukses adalah orang yang PAS dalam berhitung." Alva Tjenderasa, the husband of Merry Riana, the author of 'Mimpi Sejuta Dollar' 

I just realized something.
What I need all this time was family.
Good friends.
Wonderful times.
Last but not least, inspiring movies.
(Don't forget about the songs!)

Ha ha ha.
Laughing
The only thing I can do right now.
The only thing that seems right.
Seeing those time had passed.
Seeing someone else did the thing I was supposed to.


A little regret comes across my mind
Why didn't I try harder?
Why didn't I push it a little more?
Why didn't I go a little further?
Why didn't I make it happen right away?
Why didn't I change myself to be something I was not to chase it?
Why didn't I do something wrong to get it?


Why didn't I get it?


In the middle of the lonely night,
I bowed my head.
Cried in the deep lonely night,
That witnessed my remorse.
I raised my hand.
Asking the best for me,
What I am supposed to be,
Where I am supposed to be,
When the good thing will comes.


I stopped my crying.
I thanked God for all it takes to make me becoming here
I thanked God for a life that I got.
I prayed for myself and family to make us become the lucky one.


Suddenly I heard something.
The peaceful voice appears unexpectedly.
The voice that calm me down.
It said, "Don't worry. I have something better for you in store."

One of the Dream is becoming true : Masuk HUBUNGAN INTERNASIONAL

It's been like a decade I didn't post anything here. Gosh, this blog is dusty -_-

Well, I definitely know it's too late to tell you guys about this. Since I got this news a month ago, I cannot  keep myself from thinking about my future, and another important thing : "What I really want to be when I grow up?" This three days, after finishing those exams that are going to kill me, I've been searching for the colleges that I really fit in. But at least, I have something to hold on :

"I DO PASSED THE TEST OF GETTING SCHOLARSHIP IN PRESIDENT UNIVERSITY AS INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS STUDENT!"

The whole letter


I am absolutely happy about this, but this is where the nightmare happens.


I've joined the psychological test about 'minat dan bakat' in my school. Since I don't know what I want to be in future, I decided to join this test in order to capture what I really am, and what talent does I have in myself. Well, I wrote all the major that interest me, including international relations. After doing all the test and waiting for a week, the result came out and it said I am not suitable to be an International Relations student. It even suggest me to join medical faculty, which is also my interest since my mom is a doctor. Seeing my mom doing all her works and we even have a microscope right by my side now on, that little wish comes across my mind, but I don't really love it. Some people might say being a doctor is a pleasure way to become rich. IT'S ALL BULLSHIT. Bullshit I hate the most. My family are not even rich.

Shit, I've been going out of topic. Let's go back to it.

Well, because of the result, I decided to meet the psychologist itself to make sure about all the things. She said, I'm the type of person who is creative, but I cannot control my own emotion. Yeah, that's definitely true. So, she doesn't recommend me to join the International Relations.

And now, I get the scholarship in International Relations. Oh my God, I even don't know what to feel. Should I do the test of med faculty? Or I just have to join International Relations?



I don't know.

Midnight snack

I got another insomnia night. I don't even know when will it end.

I never expect anything from this app actually, but God gives me a chance to enjoy something interesting. Say thanks to Kik. Say thanks to my Indonesian friend.

In short, I got an American boy from Omegle. He added my Kik id. I didn't even know he added me. He said 'Omegle guy is here'. We started it all. We started something called 'relationship'.

And now, almost two months after that, a girl (he met in real life) stole his heart and I'm here. Being left.

He thought I'll be sad. I will be mad. I will be frustated. He thought I'll be singing 'Shouldn't Come Back-Demi Lovato' and crying.

LOL BIG HECK NO.

I might be sad because there will be no one will talk crazy again. He really drove me crazy, really. But I won't be that frustated. LOL IT'S NOT THE END OF WORLD, COME ON. I used to start to love him, but since that I don't even care if he was in car accident. Lol no!! I'm not that cruel. What I couldn't stop laughing at is, how can he said these things to me and then he left me because he said he can't hold it anymore.

Moral value: Do not even trust anyone who says

he/she loves you while they're never see you directly.

Eye contact may ruin anything.

Something to think about

I am at the end of this road. Nearly the end of this road. The road which has brought me to pass one of my best times in my life. The road which I wish I would never leave.

Now I'm facing this intersection. This intersection. I've ever passed something like this before. Three years ago. And six years ago.

To be honest, it wasn't as hard as now. All I saw in that moment was just a straight way. I was highly sure I would go that way. Thank God, in fact I did. Without any doubt. Without any thoughts. Without any extra work. I just easily walked over the old road, passed the intersection without turning my head into the other ways, walked straightly to the next straight street.

But it isn't as easy as it was. I have to re-think over and over again, to consider many aspects (sallary, employment prospect, the period, and of course my own passion), and to be realistic. I must getting the maximum capabilty of me. How this road would be ended depends on this phase. How I make myself worth the best way.

I hate this feeling of being under the pressure. Those exam, those papers and those tasks, how could I solve that? I wish I never leave this road. But I have to face the reality. I have to pass this road.

I hope the next road will be the best road in my life. The road where I can find the best people living up their dream. Other people who walk the same way as I do. The same way to see this life. I don't expect all of them will be like that. I just hope 'some'. I hope the people whom I knew from the previous roads will not be the people I used to know. I hope everything will be better.

But I don't even know which road I would take. Where the best road is.

The Most Wonderful Love Story I've ever Read!

I was searching the material for my school task actually, when I suddenly found storyofmylifetheblog.blogspot.com, and read the 'love story' part. It was definitely took my time for a while, but it inspired me sooo much. The point I got was, what you need is not a perfect relationship, with a 'fairytale-like' boy, candle light dinner, romantic poems or those shit things, but what you need actually was destined by God, so just be thankful for what you have now. It could comes from an unexpected things. You might have a bad relationship with your boy now, but believe me, miracles would come in the right time, as Jenni's. Enjoy reading the story!


The Most Wonderful Love Story I've ever Read!

The Remorse

Could you come back?

All those words you said

All those jokes we've laughed about

All those togetherness we've made

All those time we've spent

Could it back again?

The argue we've created

The fight we've sparked

The mocks we've put each other

The silence we've made

Could it back again?

People talks about it

People talks made us far apart

People talks turned our way

People talks broke us and ours

Can it all be fixed?

Have you ever think about me?

As the way I'm thinking about you all my time?

Are you feel the same?

As the way I feel the love in you?

When the game comes

Every single part of our secret discovered

It supposed to be good

But it ends with a sad-ending

Is it cause all of those things?

May you know my regrets

May you know it all

May you know it's still the same

Hopefully you know there's nothing change

We are friend.

It DOESN'T mean that we always have to share every single part of secret each other. Sometimes we have to HIDE some parts of our SECRETS in order to AVOID the conflict.

Well, don't BLAME me if there's something of me that you don't know. 'Cause I'm definitely SURE that it's something you don't want to TALK about.

So please, for this time, STOP ASKING.

Right there.

Right over there.

We used to spend time wastefully.

Laughing, singing, kissing.

All those things we did.

Now, it is just an empty barley field.

With thousands of memories buried here.

You gone, as soon as the sky turns dark.

And it's disappear as soon as the rain goes down.

Flower

Jokes. Roses. Laughs. And those things you put on me.

We laugh. We mocking. We seems like it is just the way the two of us make friends.

But it is not. It is more. It is not just a feeling that suddenly floated up when the teacher's come.

NO. I just can't say exactly what it is. You just have to know that it is NOT an ordinary feeling.


Anyway, I can't do anything. You didn't give any chance for it, although you didn't say it for sure. Eyes don't tell lies. So, what should I do?


Hell yeah, I just can waiting. Please, don't make this wait become longer and longer.
'Cause a falling leaf finally be nothing if it is not picked up by someone for sticked it in the book.

The way she looked says something different.

It's more than just a laugh or even a joke.

But he can't do anything with it.

'Cause what he has done,

left a big injury in her heart.

And when she passed through,

he saw his little pretty girl,

leaned her heart upon other man's shoulder,

loving him as much as she was did when she was his.

New Target : International Relationship

"Kenapa HI? Kamu mau hidup gak menetap, di negeri orang, jauh dari keluarga, gak ada peluang kerja di dalam negeri?"-One of family.

Well, what she said is right. If I take the international relationship program, I'll be homeless, far away from family, and hardly get a job in Indonesia.

Now, how about making Indonesia better than before?

For me, personally, I don't want to have a job just for earn the wealth. Wealth means nothing if it is not perceived benefits for others. I want a job that would make Indonesia better than before. And I just thought that I'm in love in writing, speaking, and arguing. Why don't I take the HI?

HI (Hubungan International) is made for preparing the youth to be a good diplomat that would be represented his/her nation in international politic that indirectly will help Indonesia to be better than before. I just fall in love to see the diplomats are wearing their coats and met the other diplomats from around the world to make deal about their country. Oh My God, I hope I'll be the next diplomat of Indonesia. Amiin.

And now on, I'll try to learn more about it and reach it as what it supposed to be. Wish I'll be there. God.

Still Stuck : The Internal Conflict

I'm still stuck in the state that I didn't even know what it is called.
It's getting worse by mom that against me harshly.
God, what should I do now?

Selalu Begini : Maju Salah, Mundur Salah.

Yeah, it is always been like this.
Stuck in the state that I didn't even know what it is called.
You know, it sucks.


I don't mean that I don't grateful with what I got, but it is just the same with the failure.
Oh my God, does everything have to be this hard?


The password of my destiny is YES, but what I got is AFS.
How can I face it?
How can I pay for it?
How can make my dream will still exist?


I'm so grateful to God for what I got, but I don't know how to still be here.
Still being in the state that I didn't even know what it is called.

Being a Senior : Leaving Those Absurd Memories

Yeah, being thousands miles from home give me more time to re-think about what I have done and what I haven't. I just thought that it must be better if I won the chemistry olympiad. It must be better if I've got more diligent in working the tasks. It must be better if I got the most outstanding degree. It must be better if I could mind my words. It must be better if I'm not hurting someone's heart. It must be better if blablablablabla. Yeah, blablablablabla. And blablablablabla.



But when I think about it once again, I realized that if it wasn't like how it was, it was and it is NOT my life. I meant, if I wasn't weird, yeah, just used that word, probably I couldn't got many friend like now. Maybe, if I just studying all day long, there's a possibility that I'll get mad. And maybe, if I didn't make mistake, I don't know how the mistake effects the things. Yeah, everything has a reason to happened.


Being with X.Euro gives me all those thing that matured me, whether it's hurt. And although we had mocking each other, being unsolid, and didn't care enough of each other, it is still had the good side. There, I knew that everyone must has two side in his/her personality. And we can't deny it. We just can understanding it and act as it should be. Yeah, there's nothing right, there's nothing wrong, there's just different.


Ramadhan have come. Now, for all my mistake, it's time for saying :

A Letter To God

quotediaryofficial:

From the start, O Lord God,
You held me close when I was lost
And believed in me beyond
A shadow of a doubt.

I knew from the beginning,
My life was a wonderful blessing.
I wasn’t supposed to ask You why
But you helped me to live
My life every day.

O Lord God, The Most Powerful,
Thank you for everything and for all
The things that are bright and beautiful.
I love you from the deepest of my heart
And I promise my love for you
Will never be apart.
~ Alon Calinao Dy